I remember the days when I’d feel “desperate” to meet women.
I’d head out to a bar or the gym to try… and I’d try everything:
Making eye contact…
Having a conversation…
Hell, I even tried dancing.
But no matter what… it never went well.
Why? Because women can “smell” desperation like that. And as you may have guessed, it’s not the most attractive scent us guys can wear.
But today, I want to talk about something else — I want to show you how to get to know a woman with no subtext, pretense, or expectations.
Why would you want to do that?
Because the truth is, the best way to pick up a woman is by NOT picking her up at all.
What Happens When You “Try Too Hard” With a New Woman?
That may sound circular, but it’s the truth. Here’s what happens:
When you try too hard to pick up a lady, it’s obvious — even to someone who’s not particularly clever or smart.
What’s worse, when a woman picks up on the fact that you’re trying to pick her up, it can very easily make her uncomfortable or defensive.
On the other hand, when you find yourself in a social setting with a woman and you engage her for no reason other than simply being social, the possibilities are endless.
Yes, sex is always one of the potential outcomes — I’m not saying it shouldn’t be on your mind.
However, it can’t be your goal.
So what do you do?
I’ve got 9 different ways to start a conversation with a woman without coming off as “desperate,” and they’re all based on proof and my own experience.
I’ll begin with the most basic strategies and together, we’ll work our way up to the most advanced ones.
Strategies 1-3: Preparation-Based
The first few strategies begin with preparing yourself to go out and approach a woman.
Because for many men, the key to having a successful night out is to be in the right mindset.
1) Be Genuine
Being genuine should not be hard — in fact, it should take no effort at all.
I know it sounds cliche to “be yourself,” but honestly it’s what you have to do. Simply refuse to put on a “persona” that you think the ladies will like.
This is a crucial step because if you “fake it” and meet a woman who likes you back, she’s going to feel lied to when she discovers you were putting on some sort of act.
2) Make a List
Another easy way to start a conversation with a new woman is to keep a list of conversation starters and stay up to date with it.
You don’t have to carry it around with you, but you should update it often. Make sure the topics on your list are of general interest and are things you are genuinely interested in.
Do you like movies, TV shows, or comedy, for example? These are all good topics to talk about with a woman you just met!
And once the conversation has started, it should flow organically, and you likely won’t have to worry about the list again — until the next time.
3) Practice in The Mirror
Finally, this might sound silly, but practice looking relaxed and pleasant in the mirror.
Seriously. Relax your jaw and brow muscles — maybe even smile a little.
This will make you look approachable and friendly. If you look tense or preoccupied, you could miss opportunities to connect with women.
Remember, your goal here is simply to meet and talk with women. That’s it.
Strategies 4-7: Approach-Based
My next few strategies focus on the actual approach.
So once you’re out at a bar (or a club, or a restaurant or whatever)… here are a few more things you can try:
4) Make Casual Eye Contact
The easiest first step to meeting a new woman is to try to make eye contact with her.
Just try and catch a glance — make sure not to stare. Staring usually comes off as creepy.
And when you do meet her gaze, what should you do from there?
5) Smile (& Observe Her Response)
Once she’s looking at you, give her a small smile. This shows her that you’re noticing her and that you’re interested in talking to her.
If she smiles back (and she’s not otherwise engaged), it’s basically a sure sign she wants you to approach her.
And if she doesn’t smile?
Just find a new woman to make eye contact with.
6) Look for Avoidant Behavior
This next strategy is more about identifying the women you shouldn’t approach.
A lot of guys make the mistake of randomly approaching women and expecting the same response every time.
In public, you can’t be sure what a woman is doing — if she’s busy, upset, or is actually looking to meet a guy like you.
So it’s important to watch out for a few key behaviors she doesn’t want to be approached.
Here are a few tips:
If she seems to be talking intently with another person, don’t interrupt…
Public transportation is not always a great place to start a conversation, approach with caution…
Do not ask a woman to remove her headphones. On the train, at the gym, on the street, wherever. If she wants to talk to you, she’ll take them out of her own accord…
If a lady doesn’t want to talk, simply smile, apologize for interrupting, and wish her good day/evening/weekend, whatever. Forcing a conversation on an unwilling partner is a waste of your time and won’t end well…
It’s important to learn to read the settings and the signs.
That’s Not All…
Every woman and every situation are going to be different, so you have to get out there and get some experience.
It sounds hard, but I promise it gets easier with practice. 🙂
Which brings me to my next strategy…
7) Don’t Make Assumptions
Getting comfortable with and good at speaking with women is all about on-the-job-training: The more you do it, the better you’ll get.
While every conversation you have with a woman has the potential to lead to something more, you have to assume the opposite.
Start a conversation simply for the sake of having a conversation. It’s a reward unto itself.
This even applies to dates from apps and websites.
For example, not every first date is going to lead to sex or even a second date.
So, don’t approach her with the expectation of sex. Instead, relax and try to learn something about her.
Strategies 8-9: Conversation-Based
Finally, my last two strategies are all about what you say to her once you’ve approached (or she’s approached you).
They’re simple, but they’re effective ways to truly escalate your first interaction with a woman, so it goes the way you want.
8) Ask Questions & Listen
This might seem obvious, but ask her questions about herself!
And don’t just ask — listen to her answers, too.
From there, you can ask her follow-up questions. And look, you’re having an effortless conversation. 🙂
But what about going from an effortless conversation… to going back to your place?
Is there an easy way to make that happen?
In my experience, yes… and here’s how I discovered it:
9) Turn Things Sexual (& Get Her to Come Home With You)…
The other day, I was thinking:
“Why do some girls come home with me the first night I meet them, and others don’t…?
What’s the difference between ‘Let’s share a cab’ and ‘I have a morning meeting…maybe next time?’”
I thought about the past dozen or so one times a girl’s come home with me… and that’s when it hit me:
When I’m sitting next to a woman… and we’ve been talking for a few (like 5-15) minutes… there’s always a certain point when I have to decide:
“Am I gonna put my hand on her leg… or not?”
And you know what, when I do decide to go for it… and touch her like this… that’s what makes the difference.